God has been particularly silent lately. 

Even on a mountaintop retreat where I had 3 hours of intentional silence and solitude dedicated to listening for God’s voice, the only thing I heard was silence. 

It’s scary. It’s frustrating. I am left with many doubts and unanswered questions. 

That’s not to say that God has been inactive in my life. Even in this season of silence, I’ve seen reminders of his faithfulness. (One particularly sweet example is the blessing of my new community at Run With Christ SoCal. Our run this weekend was filled with so much joy, so much faith, so much community, and so many answered prayers!!)

Though there is much joy in this season, I still feel frustrated with God. It’s been at least a few months since I’ve heard him speak to my heart the way he used to speak so often. I have a lot of questions like, “God, where are you in all of this? Why aren’t you speaking to me? God, I need to hear from you!!” 

Then at church this morning, I was reminded of something one of our pastors said a while ago--

“Sometimes you have to let your body worship, even when your heart doesn’t feel it.”

So I raised my hands and worshipped through the silence. And as I did, I felt the faith of my church family praising God alongside me. I heard their voices and saw their hands raised and felt the power of their worship directed heavenwards. 

In this moment, I felt like Moses in Exodus 17. When he had no more strength to raise his hands during the battle, he had God-fearing people come alongside him. They gave him a rock to sit on and literally held up his arms for him. And because his hands were held high throughout the battle, God’s people were victorious. 

I encourage you—no, I URGE you—to join me in raising your hands in worship, even when you don’t feel it. Praise him in the silence, praise him in the waiting, praise him when it doesn’t make sense. And lean on Christlike community to uphold you when you have no strength left on your own. 

I believe our God will be victorious. Let us worship while we wait. 

This week has simultaneously been one of the best and worst weeks of my life for a variety of different reasons. It has been both fun and frustrating, both exhausting and encouraging. 

I've experienced a lot of spiritual warfare as the enemy has tried to stop the amazing ways God has been working this week. As I was praying through some difficult things on Tuesday, I was reminded of a story God placed on my heart recently. 

The Bible tells the story of how Jesus once took a little boy's faith and used his gift to feed thousands. While Jesus was preaching to a large crowd, his disciples realized that the crowd was getting hungry and they had no food to give them. As they quietly discussed what to do, a little boy approached them and offered what he had—only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. The disciples were doubtful that this would be worth anything, but Jesus surprised the crowd with a miracle. He multiplied the little bit of food that the boy offered into enough food to feed the entire crowd until they were satisfied—and there was still plenty leftover!

This week, I was starting to feel like the disciples with a hungry crowd to feed and no idea how to do it. I was overwhelmed and feeling like I was failing at managing the chaos in my life. But then I was reminded that I'm not supposed to do this life alone! So instead of wallowing in the shame and inadequacy I felt, I prayed this prayer: 

“Jesus, I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job on my own strength. I need you to come and have your way in my life this week. Here’s the little bit I have in my hands. I pray that you would take my gifts and use them to bless others for your kingdom in a bigger and better way that I could even imagine.” 

There wasn't an immediate change in my life circumstances, but my perspective changed almost instantly. God opened my eyes to see a small glimpse into the good, good plans he has for me—even in the middle of so much chaos. 

And the same is true for you: God can do amazing things when you offer him just a little faith. So next time you start to feel overwhelmed or inadequate, don’t be afraid to show up anyways. Come to Jesus in your vulnerability and unpreparedness, offer him the little bit that you have in your hands, and trust that he can (and he will!) multiply your gifts for a greater impact than you could even imagine. 

God can do so much more with your 5 loaves and 2 fish than you ever could with a whole feast on your own.

I know that my God is building a garden. I’ve seen him tending it, too. He gently molds and crafts this beautiful mess of wildflowers and shade trees and more grasses than I’ve ever seen before. I still don’t know all that he’s growing here, but springtime has already begun to bring new life. 

Oh look, a lily! And some daisies over there. There’s sunflowers and snapdragons just waiting to burst forth with color. 

And then there’s the roses that still look much too pruned to bring back flowers anytime soon. And the tulips that are still buried beneath the soil, out of sight and almost forgotten about. 

Almost forgotten about—by me. But never forgotten by the gardener. He knows exactly what he planted and exactly where. He keeps track of all their days, nourishing new growth of each species in its own time. He gently tends and slowly grows each flower like it is the only one he has. 

Patience. That’s what I’m learning in this season. Learning to wait for growth and to trust the gardener. I’m learning that his bounds are far greater than mine when it comes to withstanding the wait. I want to rush to the part where it’s June and all the flowers are in full bloom but he says not yet, slow down, this season is important too. He teaches me about work and consistency and discipline and shows me how to celebrate each little win. He reminds me that not every flower is meant to bloom year after year, but he holds it all in perfect balance. 

So I will learn to rest in this place. I will learn to abide and to walk in the cool of the garden. I will trust the gardener and learn from his patience. And I will be grateful that he has invited me into this space. For this is the garden of grace.

I am officially done with competitive sports. 

This feels like a weird thing to say, especially since soccer and track have been such a huge part of my life for the last 10 years or so. I didn’t grow up being an athlete, but I guess you could say that I’ve grown into it. As much as I love getting to call myself an athlete, I’m learning that it is not the most important thing about me. It never was and it never will be. 

As I transition into this next stage of life, I am thrilled to continue being involved with both track and soccer through coaching! This transition has been both amazing and challenging. I’m learning new things about myself, about others, and about God as I step into the role of coach. 

And God has been so faithful throughout all of it. Coaching high school track for the first time has been especially stretching, and I’ve felt like giving up many times. Yet each time I doubt my decision to coach, God gives me yet another reminder of why I’m here. He is reminding me that he has placed special people in my life for me to encourage and to encourage me. He was faithful throughout my time as an athlete, and he has continued to be faithful as I step into coaching. 

As I reflect on the changing seasons in my life right now, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m so grateful for all the lessons I learned through track and soccer. I’m grateful for all the people I met and all the memories I made along the way. I’m so grateful for everything I learned from my coaches and for the ways they shape the way I coach now (special shoutout to Coach Mickey Miela for all the wisdom, advice, and encouragement on this journey - thank you!) 

All that to say, this is a bittersweet transition but I know and believe with all my heart that God is continuing to do new and good things here (Isaiah 43:19)! Also please enjoy these photos from my “bonus season” of soccer this fall…and the joy and confusion I felt while switching sports for the last semester of college! :)

Healing isn’t perfect. It requires hard work and patience. You have to be willing to get worse before you get better and to persevere through the hard moments. But trust me, it is so worth it. 

I didn’t think therapy was going to help me. Honestly, I felt like I was too far gone. But I felt so weak and broken inside that I figured it was worth a try. 

Therapy + Jesus. That’s what healed me. Not one or the other—BOTH. I do believe that Jesus can heal us without therapy, but in my story, therapy was the tool that he worked through to help me heal. Therapy and a lot of prayer. 

I wanted to stop after only a few sessions. I saw growth and I was so excited! I felt like things were “good enough.” I wasn’t back to where I had been before, but I could function and that was enough for me. When I felt satisfied with my half-healing, Jesus kept fighting for my whole healing. He told me that he wants me to be WHOLE. That he’s not done yet. That he still wants to heal me more. 

Fast forward to a year later…I continued therapy and now I am so grateful to say that I’m 99% back to where I was before! I am healed and I am continuing to heal. I still have some fear and I still get nightmares sometimes. But Jesus has worked in my heart and in my mind like never before. 

Trust God for healing. Trust the process even when it’s hard and scary. Trust me when I say that it is totally worth it. 

And don’t give up when you’re half healed. God wants to bring full restoration and healing. My hope is that you take one step towards him and one step towards healing every day.